And I have an eating disorder.
To look at me, you wouldn't think it. I'm fifteen stone, and wear a size eighteen. But I do. I have binge eating disorder. People call Bulimia the hidden disorder, but it's a lot more out in the open. People don't even know that much about binge eating disorder. They just assume it's something fat people blame being fat on.
When I was ten, I was bullied. I was called fat, a slut, a bitch...every name under the sun, and then some. It's been a nightmare for me. I can honestly say that it's scarred me for life.
Then, of course, there's the fact that I shy away from my tormentors in the corridor in school. I physically shrink away every time they're near me. Which means that there's about twenty people I shy away from.
I was never a popular child. I was the freak kid you get in every class, the one who's obviously smarter, but the one that the education system still hasn't caught up on. The fact that until I was nine the school thought I was special needs (which I technically am, but they thought I needed an SNA) didn't help either.
The fact is, I was failed by a flawed education system which didn't see that one girl was basically ignored in her class. And now I'm paying a price. I hate my body, I want to die some days. I'm depressed, and insomniac.
According to the doctor I spoke with today, I'm depressed and in need of some help. I've got to break down walls with my emotions, and allow them all to come out. I've never done that before. I've never ever allowed myself to act how I feel.
I'm scared. But I have a new start.
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2 comments:
This is very scary, but as long as you make goals and work on it, you'll understand that you're not as weak as your insecurities fool you into thinking you are. I promise you, you aren't. A lot of the time, your worst enemy is yourself. Don't give in. The emotions want to get to you, sometimes, but "Hope is a good thing. The best of things. The best things never die."- from the Shawshank Redemption.
I'd be scared too, I admit; it's not easy. But I have learned the hard way that what was scariest to face, turns out to be the best thing you could have done, afterward. Too many good things are on the other side of this wall *not* to climb it, so good luck, and never give up, never surrender.
School doesn't last forever, thank heaven. My school days were torment too but now I never look back: you've got happier times ahead so keep looking forward!
You're right that schools fail *all* but the most average and most popular kids, it's a disgrace. I have one genius, artsy, doesn't-fit-in kid, and two autistic ones with learning disabilities. The Irish school system fails them *all*. I wish there were alternative choices for artistic kids, for challenged kids, for genius kids, for all kids, but that's not the reality, especially not here. It makes me sick to think of the corruption and waste that goes on in our government while there's so much the rest of the population doesn't have---but that's a whole other discussion!!
Good luck and hang in there!
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